Eat, Pray, Crap

Most pictures of people with their food are boring. Case in point.

Brazilians love their food - and with good reason. The food here is ridiculously good. Every meal in Brazil is a decadent schmorgasboard of beef, pork and carbs. And dessert? A must. In order for Brazilians to eat what they do every single day, they must have the highest metabolism out any population on the planet.

However, that isn't to say that Brazilians are skinny by any means. Before I arrived, I had pictured a bunch of Miss Universes walking around the streets of São Paulo - with their long legs and flat stomachs. In reality, most women here, while certainly not fat, sport a lovely paunch - which is only emphasized by their preference for tight belly shirts. The men, meanwhile, can be best described as chubby, doughy or pudgy. It seems whole health-food craze of the United States hasn’t even scratched the surface of the Brazilian consciousness.

But honestly, who can blame them? I love the food here, exactly as it is. So instead of writing a dissertation (dessert-ation?) on Brazilian dietary reform, I wanted to celebrate this country’s food - in all of its artery-clogging, high-blood-pressure-causing glory.

(Also, please excuse that "dessert-ation" joke. That was really bad.)

An analysis of each major food group below…

Meats

If you're vegetarian, do not come to Brazil. You will die - plain and simple. Meat is everywhere, it's in everything, and it's completely unavoidable.

The meat in Brazil is very juicy, tender and tasty - even at the dirtiest of luncheonettes. No matter what kind of meat you order, it's prepared the same way:

Step 1) Coat the meat in a simple salt rub

Step 2) Grill it to perfection.

Of all the Brazilian meat I've had, one of the most delectable is called "Baby Beef" (in both English and Portuguese). Baby Beef is exactly what it sounds like, and just as gruesome. While it's extremely delicious, I can’t help but feel just a little bit guilty eating food audacious enough to have the word "baby" in its name (the exceptions to this rule being, of course, baby corn and baby humans.)

Most meat in Brazil is served with a bowl of "farofa" on the side - which is toasty, crunchy, floury mixture. If you want to add some extra flavor to your meal - feel free to dunk your meat in the farofa to add a nice, crunchy coating. Think of farofa as sprinkles for your meat - which is fitting because I've also seen it as an ice cream topping at a Brazilian Häagen-Dazs (thereby transcending the Sweet / Meat flavor barrier).

Even with such great meat choices, however, it seems that many Paulistas actually prefer the rustic Australian setting of an Outback Steakhouse. For some reason, Outback is weirdly popular in São Paulo. Maybe it's because Brazilians aren’t used to the taste of pre-cooked Grade D steaks, or can't resist the greasy allure of a Bloomin' Onion "Aussie-tizer" (which is seriously what they call their appetizers.) But everyone here treats Outback like some five-star dining experience. For example, I recently had a Brazilian co-worker tell me that the highlight of her weekend was getting a Signature Steak from Outback. I'm still trying to figure out if I should hate the Americans or the Australians for this one.

Vegetables

Photo Credit: Someone just as disgusted as me

Based on my observations, I would say that the most popular vegetable in Brazil, by far, is corn. Brazilians are absolutely infatuated with their corn. Have you ever been eating corn-on-the-cob and thought, "This is all well and good, but what I really want to do is drink this." Well, your wish has been granted. Corn Juice is a popular drink in Brazil among people who kind of want soup but want it to be much colder and far less satisfying. It tastes like a mixture of creamed corn and tap water - and it’s the only drink that actually leaves you thirstier once you've finished it.

While other vegetables in Brazil aren't as quite as popular as corn, they are much more delicious. Not because they're fresh or anything - but because each serving is doused in about twelve sticks of butter. And while I’m told salads do exist in this country, I haven’t seen one that wasn’t served as a palate cleanser before an entrée of steak.

Grains

Brazilians are also in love with their carbohydrates.

Bread is a staple of every Brazilian meal - as long as it's covered in a healthy layer of delicious olive oil. Olive oil, meanwhile, can be found on every table of every restaurant: from the classy high-end establishments to the hole-in-the-wall dumps. Brazilians love to pour it over everything, including, but not limited to: sandwiches, crepes and pizza.

And if that wasn’t enough, every meal is accompanied by giant, heaping spoonfuls of white rice. Somewhere, Dr. Atkins is rolling in his grave.

The most indulgent carbo-loaded item you can order is called "escondidinho" - which is like a combination of shepard's pie and beef jerky. Layers of dried meat called "carne-seca" (made from some mystery animal) is covered in layers and layers of mashed-potato-like yuca and topped with a Brazilian cheese called "queijo coalho." If you order the escondidinho, it's served in your own personal casserole dish (and with a side of white rice, of course). Think of it as the Brazilian equivalent of the KFC Mashed Potato Bowl. But the most amazing thing about escondidnho is that Brazilians will eat this during their lunch break and expect to work afterwards without major diarrhea.

However, if you're looking for something a little bit more familiar, you can always just order a pizza. Yes, it seems that the infamous Italian delicacy has managed to make its way down to South America. Unfortunately, the "normal" pizza toppings of pepperoni, sausage, peppers, onions and mushrooms didn't quite make the trip with it. Instead, feel free to top your pizza with palm hearts, mashed potatoes, catupiry cheese (a cream-cheese spread that's poured over everything), and, of course, lots and lots of corn. It's the real-life version of the pizzas ordered by Michelangelo from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. However, it's still not as vomit-inducing as the people in the US who cover their pizza with ranch dressing (I'm looking at you, Washington DC).

Sweets

Brazilians have a major, major sweet tooth. To Brazilians, dessert isn't an occasional treat - it's an essential part of every meal. You're not allowed to leave the table without being forced to have some sort of chocolately pastry, creamy gelato or fruit-filled crepe.

The official dessert of Brazil is the "brigadeiro" - a chocolate pudding made from cocoa powder and condensed milk, which is then rolled into a ball and covered with chocolate sprinkles. Just smelling the brigadeiro will give you at least three new cavities.

Fun Fact: The word "brigadeiro" translates directly to "chocolate turds"

But Brazil's love of ridiculously sweet food doesn't just stop with desserts. Most people here accompany their meals with a large, frothy, sugary fruit juice (made from either pineapples, limes, oranges, mangos, tangerines or açai berries). If you want a soda, and you're not drinking a Coke Zero (which seems to be much more popular than regular Coca-Cola here), then you're drinking Guaraná Antartica - a soft drink made from the Amazonian gauraná berry. If you'd like to recreate the flavor of Guaraná Antartica at home - just buy a Red Bull and pour in thirty packets of Sweet'N Low. If you still don't have diabetes, feel free to wash your meal down with some "caldo de cana" - which is juice extracted directly from pressed sugar cane.

Seeing how Brazilians love their sweets, it's a wonder that their candy (excluding chocolate) sucks so much. In Brazilian supermarkets, the candy section is relegated to only half a shelf next to the coffee and biscuits. Most disappointing, however, is that the most popular Brazilian breath mints are actually Halls Cough Drops, which are marketed as candy as opposed to medicine. But instead of freshening people's breath, it just gives everyone that eucalyptus and menthol smell of someone getting over a cold. It also makes me question the medicinal powers of the brand - since it seems everyone here still coughs.

Coffee

Finally, no Brazilian meal would be complete without a "cafezinho." This 4oz cup of caffeinated rocket fuel is like a sledgehammer to the senses, and makes that watered-down "coffee" served in America look like a sissy. However, I'm entirely convinced this coffee is so strong that it bypasses whatever section of my brain keeps me awake, and goes straight to the part that makes me tweak-out. Since arriving in Brazil, I've developed an awesome twitch in my lower-right eyelid that only goes away when I limit my intake of this black liquid death. 

If you want your cafezinho sweetened (as, obviously, all Brazilians do), feel free to squeeze in some "Zero-Cal" artificial sweetener. This squirt bottle of carcinogens can be found in every Brazilian break room, and is used to make your coffee taste as sweet as Fun Dip. The amount of tumors and flipper babies it's created, however, cannot be measured.

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So now that I've lived in Brazil for a little over a month, eating as the Brazilians do and taking countless years off my life, I can understand why I haven't seen any Gisele doppelgangers walking around. With food like this, it would be impossible. But I love it - even if it means returning to the United States with a sexy new paunch.