Her Name Is Rio And She Dances On The Sand

So I went to Rio.

Arriving in Rio De Janiero (or as the locals say. "Hee-oh Jeejeaierjhoiewreo"), your first thought is "Now THIS is what Brazil is supposed to look like." Palm trees. Beaches. Big Ol' Jesus. Malaria. Everything.

Rio is, without question, a very gorgeous city. Long stretches of beautiful beaches are framed by humongous granite mountains and jungles straight out of Jurassic Park. Atheistically, I would say that the only downsides are the man-made structures (excluding Big Jesus), as every building looks like the United Nations Headquarters or the Contemporary Resort in Disney World. Well, that and the large fat men in speedos (more on that later).

Regardless, on the cab ride to the hotel, it’s difficult not to have "The Girl From Ipanema" playing on a continuous loop in your head. It’s also the perfect way to prepare you for your stay at the hotel, where the "The Girl From Ipanema" will playing on a continuous loop in the elevator.

São Paulo: The Ugliest / Nicest City You’ll Ever Meet

(This) x (1,000)

São Paulo.  How do I describe thee?

Well – why don’t we leave it to the experts:

“São Paulo is enormous, intimidating and, at first glance at least, no great beauty – a difficult city for the traveler to master and one that, initially, may not seem worth the sweat.” – Lonely Planet, Brazil

Uhhh...okay then. Let’s try another… 

“[São Paulo] is not a pretty city by any means. In fact, to be honest with you, it’s pretty damned ugly. Big. Crowded. Terrible traffic. A climate, although nice, isn’t exactly the Brazil of dreams… It’s been said, uncharitably, that São Paulo feels like LA threw up on New York.” – Anthony Bourdain, No Reservations

One more try… 

“São Paulo’s reputation tends toward extremes. Enormous wealth coexists with appalling poverty; gleaming skyscrapers loom over crumbling edifices; newspaper headlines are devoted to an uneasy mix of glitzy celebrity parties and violent crime… São Paulo’s jumble of self-contained worlds reflects the ongoing tussle between youthful progress and decaying chaos.” – Time Out, São Paulo

Yes - it’s kind of true, unfortunately. São Paulo, or “Sampa” as the local Paulistanos call it, is a huge, sprawling ugly city. To get an idea of what the city is like, imagine a bunch non-descript whitish-gray apartment complexes and office buildings. Now multiply that image by 1,000 and throw in some shopping malls here and there. That is São Paulo.

Now, while it sounds like I’m shitting on the city, there are many things I’ve got to see and experience in this past week that I actually really loved. So what the city may lack in aesthetics, it makes up with a great personality (much like many ugly girls I know).

So although I’ve only been here a week, here’s a quick list of all the things I’ve loved so far:

Olá. Com licença. Desculpa. Obrigado. Tchau.

Home Sweet Home

Location: São Paulo, Brazil

Time: 12:30AM Saturday, August 6, 2011

I made it. Here’s the breakdown:

30 Minutes = Drive from Manhattan to JFK Airport, incessantly checking my printed Google Map directions

45 Minutes = Insanely packed shuttle ride from the Rental Car booth to Terminal 4, getting very close and personal with some overweight men (the Tram was broken)

1 Hour = Waiting in line to check-in for my flight with a gaggle of gorgeous Brazilians

1 Second = Trying to speak Portuguese to check-in and failing miserably

1 Hour = Waiting in line to drop off my luggage for security / Waiting in line to go through security / Waiting in line to board the flight / Waiting in line to get to my seat

5 Hours = Falling asleep and waking up somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean

1 Second = Trying to order juice in Portuguese (“suco”) and failing miserably