Olá. Com licença. Desculpa. Obrigado. Tchau.

Home Sweet Home

Location: São Paulo, Brazil

Time: 12:30AM Saturday, August 6, 2011

I made it. Here’s the breakdown:

30 Minutes = Drive from Manhattan to JFK Airport, incessantly checking my printed Google Map directions

45 Minutes = Insanely packed shuttle ride from the Rental Car booth to Terminal 4, getting very close and personal with some overweight men (the Tram was broken)

1 Hour = Waiting in line to check-in for my flight with a gaggle of gorgeous Brazilians

1 Second = Trying to speak Portuguese to check-in and failing miserably

1 Hour = Waiting in line to drop off my luggage for security / Waiting in line to go through security / Waiting in line to board the flight / Waiting in line to get to my seat

5 Hours = Falling asleep and waking up somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean

1 Second = Trying to order juice in Portuguese (“suco”) and failing miserably

5 Hours = Reading through some Portuguese phrases from my phrase book, and subsequently forgetting each one

20 Minutes = Turning off all electronic devices and landing in São Paulo (First reaction from the air: “Holy crap, this place is enormous”)

1 Hour = Waiting for my luggage, getting through customs and meeting my driver (“Valter”)

1 Hour = Driving from the airport to the hotel, Valter refuses to teach me Portuguese

1 Hour = Avoiding several robberies and kidnappings (This part is not true)

20 Minutes = Waiting on the street in front of the hotel because some cars are blocking the entrance. Valter refuses to let me out on the street because “It is too dangerous with your luggage.” (This part is true)

1 Second = Trying to speak Portuguese to check-in to the hotel and failing miserably

Some stray observations:

Portuguese

Portuguese is wacky. It’s like if Spanish and Italian got together had some illegitimate mutant baby (I don’t know why I decided that the baby had to be illegitimate in my metaphor, but I just did). If you ever took a Spanish class, then you will probably be able to read it and understand it without too much trouble. But hearing it is so completely and totally different than anything else I’ve ever experienced. The “r” now sounds like an “h” (sometimes), your “d” is now a “g”, and then sometimes syllables are completely dropped for no reason at all. It’s really confusing and upon hearing it, usually leads to me making some dumb face, at which point the person speaking takes pity and switches to English.

However, I found that it is possible to get by knowing only these five key phrases:

Olá (“Hello”)

Com licença (“Excuse me”)

Desculpa (“Sorry”)

Obrigado (“Thank you”)

Tchau (“Bye”)

Packing

Having to pack for three months is a very daunting task.  Fortunately for me, I only packed the essentials.

"The Essentials"

However, it’s actually much colder in São Paulo than I had expected, especially for what is considered a tropical climate.  Normally, here I would tell you the current temperature, but everything is in Celsius, so it means nothing.

Habib’s

Driving from the airport to the hotel, I passed by Brazil’s premier middle-eastern fast food restaurant, Habib’s (http://www.habibs.com.br/).

The Ronald McDonald of Habib’s is a winking, smiling, fat, mustachioed Arabian man wearing a fez (Note: Upon further investigation, this man is actually a genie).

Furthermore, if you look closely, the apostrophe in the Habib's logo is actually a crescent moon.

Let’s just say I don’t think Habib’s will be making its way to the politically correct United States anytime in the near future.

The Bum Gun

If there is one place where Brazil is technologically heads and shoulders above the United States, it’s with their bathrooms.

I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die

I was very excited to see that my apartment’s toilet came equipped with its very own Bum Gun (which I had originally called a Doodie Hose, but apparently that is the wrong terminology). In the United States, this hose would normally be used to wash down dishes in the kitchen sink after a nice, long dinner. In Brazil, this hose is normally used to wash down something else (also, coincidentally enough, after a nice long dinner).

Currently, I have only observed this device from a distance. But I’m excited at the prospect of it. I’m also trying to figure out how to organize a Bum Gun water fight.

To Be Continued...

Many more observations to come when I have the time. Now it's time to get some sleep.

Boa noite.