Eu Quero Te Beijar ("I Want to Kiss You")

Just imagine this is one giant school gymnasium...with a chandelier

After spending many nights in São Paulo's most exclusive bars and clubs (obviously), the scene in Brazil can be best summarized in the following way:

Freshmen year homecoming dance

Brazilians love making-out. Or more accurately: sucking-face. At any bar or club in Brazil, you`ll find at least fifteen "couples" in throes of passion, seeing who can shove their tongue farther down the other person's throat. If this was Teen Night at Joey Harrison's Surf Club in 1999 - I would be ecstatic. Unfortunately, trying to navigate around two grown individuals playing tonsil-hockey can be a bit sickening. In the United States, such Public Displays of Affection are relegated to the darkest of corners, and last only about five minutes before someone makes the "next move." Not so in Brazil. Make-out sessions here take place in the middle of the dance-floor, or right in front of the bar, or over the dinner table, and last the entire night. The only "next move" here is stopping and finding someone new to make-out with.

Additionally, every bar and club is prepared for this onslaught of people about to swap spit. In most Brazilian bathrooms, you’ll find a dental floss machine, disposable toothbrushes and free mouthwash. The only "free" mouthwash you’ll find in New York bathrooms is lined-up next to watered-down colognes and 10 year-old peppermint candies. And it’s only free if you don't mind getting dirty looks from the Bathroom Attendant. But in Brazil, it's like each bar is saying, "Go on, you crazy kids. Go spread some mononucleosis."

There's also zero subtlety to the approach. It's pretty much understood that if you’re dancing or talking with someone for more than five minutes - you should be making out. Any pick-up lines, getting to know someone, subtle flirting, etc. are completely thrown out the window. At a São Paulo bar, I had a girl walk up to me and flat-out say, "Do you think I'm pretty? I want to kiss you." (I'm not a piece of meat, damn it!). Any attempts to innocently flirt in the local language are met with blank-stares and a 360 degree turn.

To put this in perspective, I was at a samba club recently, and I asked a local Brazilian friend how to ask a girl in Portuguese to teach me how to samba. He looked confused and after a moment said, "You don't talk. You just dance on her. And then - you kiss her face."

Which leads me to the next topic of discussion: Face-Rape.

On several occasions, I've witnessed what can only be described as "Face-Rape." It seems that the Brazilian male ego is a very fragile thing - and rejection is not an option. If a young lady resists a gentleman's advances towards first base, there are times where that man may commit what is known as a Face-Rape. Grabbing her hair, the man forces the woman's face towards his, and tries to pry his rigid tongue through her clamped lips. How this is enjoyable for either side is beyond me. However, it's an acceptable enough practice in Brazil where witnesses to Face-Rape don't really seem to care. And to be fair, I've seen a Face-Rape victim, on more than one occasion, free herself from the grasp of her assailant, only to return twenty-minutes later for more. Just goes to show you that sometimes persistence pays off.

I'm not quite sure where Face-Rape falls on the (not yet developed) Rape Scale (TM), but I would probably put it somewhere around a 2 (above “Not-Quite-Accidental-Touch-Rape,” but way below “Murder-Rape”).

So ladies, next time you’re at a bar and some asshole is trying to hit on you, take solace in knowing that at least you’re protected by American social norms – because if this was Brazil - you’d be so Face-Raped by now.

"We are by far the oldest people here."