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| 4 Knots Music Festival (in New York, not Brazil) |
Date: Friday, July 29, 2011
In exactly one week from today, I will be making the agonizingly long trip down to São Paulo, Brazil, to participate in a 3 month work exchange program. Now, as I sit here inside NYC apartment, safely nestled in my comfort zone, I can’t help but think about what to expect next week when I begin what many people would describe as a “life changing experience.”
Several weeks ago, I had to submit a list of goals to my company, listing everything I hoped to accomplish during my rotation. Full disclosure: most of what I submitted was politically correct BS (e.g. exchange of ideas and culture blah blah blah). Therefore, before I begin my adventure, I wanted to take the time to write down my *TRUE* goals.
1) Avoid all spiders
I hate spiders. I fucking hate them (you too, daddy longlegs). Well, apparently I haven’t seen shit compared to the abominations I can find in Brazil.
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| My new roommate! |
Take, for example, the “Brazilian Wandering Spider.” This f'er was named by the Guinness Book of World Records as 2010’s most venomous spider (not sure who won 2011, but unless God decided to make another abortion of an animal, I think this guy’s got the title on lock). On the upside, however, apparently this fella can give you four-hour boners.
Luckily, Brazil is also home to the Goliath Bird-eater Spider, known as the world’s largest spider, which can have a leg span up to a foot.
Seriously, if I see any of these spiders , not only will I be shitting my pants, I will also be boarding the next flight home to LaGuardia (exchange of ideas and culture be damned!).
2) Hunt all Nazis in hiding
After WWII, Brazil was a chic vacation spot for all Nazis looking to escape those pesky Nuremberg trials. Even Josef Mengele, the Angel of Death, called São Paulo his home. I figure by now all Nazis hiding in Brazil will be super old and easy to hunt down.
Think Inglorious Basterds meets City of God.
3) Avoid getting stabbed, shot, kidnapped or “microwaved”
I’ve heard all the stories:
“My brother went to Brazil and was only allowed to travel using his personal driver and a bullet-proof car. My friend was in Rio and the person walking in front of him was grabbed by a van full of masked men. My coworker was in São Paulo and was mugged at noon on a weekday.”
“My brother went to Brazil and was only allowed to travel using his personal driver and a bullet-proof car. My friend was in Rio and the person walking in front of him was grabbed by a van full of masked men. My coworker was in São Paulo and was mugged at noon on a weekday.”
I’ve also heard all the tips:
“Don’t wear a watch. Don’t use your cell phone in public. Don’t wear flashy clothes. Don’t wear nice sunglasses. Don’t listen to your iPod. Always travel in groups.”
“Don’t wear a watch. Don’t use your cell phone in public. Don’t wear flashy clothes. Don’t wear nice sunglasses. Don’t listen to your iPod. Always travel in groups.”
That being said, I know there’s just something about me that’s inherently stabbable. And while I know that chicks dig guys with scars, I’d personally rather come back to the USA with all my organs in place.
Also, in case you were wondering what “microwaving” was: “[Gang] members stack tires around their enemies, pour in gasoline and light the tires on fire. This is called microwaving." Bonus points for creativity!
4) Learn to dance - then learn to dance-fight
Have you ever thought to yourself, “Dancing is all well and good, but really what’s the point if you can’t kick some ass while doing it?” Well, leave it to the Brazilians to figure this one out. Capoeira is the Brazilian art form that combines martial arts and dancing, mixing both into one fluid movement. Apparently Brazil is so dangerous, you have to be able to defend yourself, even while dancing. The closest equivalent we have in the US is fist-pumping.
This goal might prove difficult, considering I have the rhythm of a slug. Therefore, my back-up plan is turn myself green, grow red hair and learn to harness the power of electricity (For the reference, refer to Blanka in Street Fighter II.)
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| Fun Fact: All Brazilians are green / electric |
5) Teach all of Brazil to speak English - if that fails, learn Portuguese
This is going to be a tough one, but I think it’s doable.
6) Some other goals
+ Start a multimillion dollar corporation exporting coconut water
+ Facilitate an exchange of ideas and culture
+ Facilitate an exchange of ideas and culture
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