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| Vila Olimpia Shopping Mall: Almost as pretty as the beaches of Ipanema... |
I miss America. And while there are things about the United States that still annoy me, living in Brazil has made me appreciate many other things that I normally would have taken for granted.
So I decided to make a list:
Five Things I Miss About America
1) Safety
While I haven't felt unsafe in São Paulo, there certainly are things I've had to sacrifice to feel that way. I don't wear my watch. I don't walk around with my iPod. I try not to use my cell phone in public. And, if I'm carrying my laptop, I take a taxi to work even though it's only a 10 minute walk from my hotel. But because petty street crime is a popular pastime here, you don't want to do anything, carry anything, or wear anything that would make you look like a target. We've all heard the story about the Americans who were robbed at machine gun point. I'd prefer if that wasn't me.
And although I wouldn't call New York City a perfectly safe city (we have other things to worry about like terrorists and protestors), the criminal element seems to stay in specified areas. As long as you're not wandering around the Bronx at 2AM, I think you're pretty safe. And even so, I think a machine gun is a bit excessive - even for the most ruthless New York criminals.
2) Shopping
There's a saying that goes, "São Paulo doesn't have beaches like Rio - so instead it has shopping malls." And yes, São Paulo does have a ridiculous amount of oversized, elaborately decorated malls. But what no one tells you, and what I certainly didn't expect, is that everything down here is so damn expensive. So yeah - there are a lot of malls, but I don't think any Brazilians actually shop there. Instead, for clothes and electronics especially, it's cheaper for Brazilians fly up to Miami for a weekend and do their shopping in the United States. When I tell Paulistas I'm from New York, they tell me how much they love New York - especially the Woodbury Common Premium Outlets.
3) Plumbing
Here's something you're guaranteed to take for granted living in the United States - being able to throw toilet paper in the toilet. Whoever was in charge of installing Brazil's plumbing infrastructure apparently thought it would be a good idea to install a bunch of thin, straw-sized pipes. And I'm told that the city's water treatment plant is just one guy with a pool skimmer. So throwing TP in the toilet can cause a city-wide disaster.
To deter this problem, each bathroom stall has its own small garbage can in which you are supposed to dispose your sanitary tissues. But, if an establishment doesn't employ a diligent army of janitors - let's just say things can start getting a bit ripe. Whoever invents environmentally-friendly, flushable toilet paper for Brazil stands to make a fortune.
And, while we're talking about paper products - the napkins in Brazil are all coated in a wax film. So they don't actually clean your hands, but instead just spread the mess around over a larger surface area. Not cool.
4) Food
If you like meat, rice and beans - São Paulo is the place for you. I would say that 75% of the restaurants here serve a variation of this dish (either meat with a side of rice and beans, or rice with a side of beans and meat, or beans with a side of rice and meat). And I do love the food here...
...but if you're craving some Chicken Tikka Masala or Pad Thai, even in a metropolis of 20 million people, there are just some foods that are even too foreign for Brazilian palates. The Indian and Thai restaurants that I managed to find could only offer up bland imitations of the dishes I was craving (Brazilians, in general, dislike spicy foods - so the flavor is turned way down). And as for Italian restaurants, I haven't been to one yet where the pasta didn't taste like it was made by Chef Boyardee (i.e. SpaghettiOs with ketchup).
1) Safety
While I haven't felt unsafe in São Paulo, there certainly are things I've had to sacrifice to feel that way. I don't wear my watch. I don't walk around with my iPod. I try not to use my cell phone in public. And, if I'm carrying my laptop, I take a taxi to work even though it's only a 10 minute walk from my hotel. But because petty street crime is a popular pastime here, you don't want to do anything, carry anything, or wear anything that would make you look like a target. We've all heard the story about the Americans who were robbed at machine gun point. I'd prefer if that wasn't me.
And although I wouldn't call New York City a perfectly safe city (we have other things to worry about like terrorists and protestors), the criminal element seems to stay in specified areas. As long as you're not wandering around the Bronx at 2AM, I think you're pretty safe. And even so, I think a machine gun is a bit excessive - even for the most ruthless New York criminals.
2) Shopping
There's a saying that goes, "São Paulo doesn't have beaches like Rio - so instead it has shopping malls." And yes, São Paulo does have a ridiculous amount of oversized, elaborately decorated malls. But what no one tells you, and what I certainly didn't expect, is that everything down here is so damn expensive. So yeah - there are a lot of malls, but I don't think any Brazilians actually shop there. Instead, for clothes and electronics especially, it's cheaper for Brazilians fly up to Miami for a weekend and do their shopping in the United States. When I tell Paulistas I'm from New York, they tell me how much they love New York - especially the Woodbury Common Premium Outlets.
3) Plumbing
Here's something you're guaranteed to take for granted living in the United States - being able to throw toilet paper in the toilet. Whoever was in charge of installing Brazil's plumbing infrastructure apparently thought it would be a good idea to install a bunch of thin, straw-sized pipes. And I'm told that the city's water treatment plant is just one guy with a pool skimmer. So throwing TP in the toilet can cause a city-wide disaster.
To deter this problem, each bathroom stall has its own small garbage can in which you are supposed to dispose your sanitary tissues. But, if an establishment doesn't employ a diligent army of janitors - let's just say things can start getting a bit ripe. Whoever invents environmentally-friendly, flushable toilet paper for Brazil stands to make a fortune.
And, while we're talking about paper products - the napkins in Brazil are all coated in a wax film. So they don't actually clean your hands, but instead just spread the mess around over a larger surface area. Not cool.
4) Food
If you like meat, rice and beans - São Paulo is the place for you. I would say that 75% of the restaurants here serve a variation of this dish (either meat with a side of rice and beans, or rice with a side of beans and meat, or beans with a side of rice and meat). And I do love the food here...
...but if you're craving some Chicken Tikka Masala or Pad Thai, even in a metropolis of 20 million people, there are just some foods that are even too foreign for Brazilian palates. The Indian and Thai restaurants that I managed to find could only offer up bland imitations of the dishes I was craving (Brazilians, in general, dislike spicy foods - so the flavor is turned way down). And as for Italian restaurants, I haven't been to one yet where the pasta didn't taste like it was made by Chef Boyardee (i.e. SpaghettiOs with ketchup).
As for American food, based on São Paulo's restaurant selection, all we have are hamburgers (which, actually, are very close to their American counterparts). But I really miss my American BBQ (e.g. chicken, ribs, mashed potatoes, etc.). And Sunday football isn't the same without buffalo wings - which are laughably bad here and, for some reason, bone dry (Brazilians don't like getting their fingers dirty).
There's also no such thing as "take-out" or "doggie-bags" in Brazil - which I guess is a very American concept. However, with the outrageously sized portions that most restaurants serve - it would be perfect thing to keep me well fed for the day, week or month.
5) Beverages
Even though it makes me feel like a true alcoholic, there are definitely certain types of alcohol I miss dearly. Brazil thrives on cachaça and vodka. Inexplicably, the only readily available whiskey (or, if I'm being technical, scotch) is Johnnie Walker - which is fine but certainly not my favorite. I would kill for a reasonably priced gin or bourbon (which, considering most Brazilians have a monster sweet tooth, should be much more popular here than they are).
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| I'll pour the next one myself, thanks. |
It's also terribly inconvenient not being able to drink the tap water in Brazil without getting some sort of bacterial intestinal tapeworm infection. At restaurants, I'm used to chugging several glasses of free water with every meal - but here, I have to remember to order bottled water "sem gas" ("without bubbles") and pay $2 each time. So because I'm a cheapskate, I've basically been dehydrated for three months.
And finally, I do miss my giant, Big Gulp-sized
American coffee. The teeny-tiny cafezinhos of Brazil are all well and
good - but I can finish drinking one in less than a minute. I miss my bathtub of watered-down coffee to sip sporadically throughout the day. It keeps me occupied. And I don't know what to do at work
without my SUV-sized mug next to me. I guess just focus on work - but where's the fun in that?
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